What we want isn't always what we need

Oke sekarang aku mau cerita tentang my ex. Aku jarang banget cerita tentang ex ku ini, cuman ke beberapa orang tertentu aja yang pernah aku ceritain karena bisa dibilang ini the biggest fault I've ever done.

Dulu waktu aku masih tinggal di Hamburg, aku sempet nggak naksir sama 1 orang cewek pun dalam waktu lumayan lama. (well, after that broken heart I find myself hard to really fall in love again)
Awal2 nggak ada masalah apa2, tapi lama kelamaan I feel so lonely. There's a saying " It's better to be hurt than feel nothing at all". I understand now what it means, empty heart is the house of loneliness. Gara2 ngerasa terlalu lonely, I tried to look for a gf.

I met this one girl in a supplementary german language class. (because we both suck at speaking german). She is from Kyrgyzstan (letaknya kira2 di antara China dan Kazakhstan).
Her name is Ainura Margaretha, because her name is too long, I called her with nickname "Ai", which means "love" in chinese. Her mother is chinese but her father is european (I didn't asked the specific race). Cewek ini bisa dibilang cantik banget, tubuhnya kecil mungil, rambutnya panjang hitam kecoklatan, and especially her big blue eyes. But what I like the most about her is her cute dimples on her cheeks when she smiles. Pokoknya tipeku banget deh.

Setelah kenalan, kami tukeran nomer hp. Beberapa hari kami kirim2an message, terus naik level ke telp2an, dan setelah kira2 2 minggu aku nembak dia, and she said yes.

Tapi anehnya walaupun aku diterima, I didn't feel happy....well, ngerasa seneng iya, tapi cuman gitu doang... Aku udah ngerasa ada sesuatu yang ganjal dari awal.

Minggu pertama kami pergi ngedate. Waktu itu aku masih inget, kami pergi nonton the despicable me 2. Karena aku cowok, otomatis aku yang bayarin tiket nonton, dan kalau mau tahu tiket nonton di sini harganya antara 10-15 euro per orang, atau sekitar 150-225rb rupiah, per orang... kalo dikali dua tahu sendiri kan habisnya berapa. Belom lagi setelah nonton kami juga fine dining, dan abisnya jauh lebih parah! Kita berdua makan bisa habis 70 euroan, jadi kalo dijumlah sama uang tiket kira2 abis 1,5 jt buat sekali ngedate.

Minggu kedua kami ngedate lagi, dan aku keluar uang 1,5 jt lagi. Oke, setelah 2x kali ngedate aku jadi pikir panjang. Aku ngerasa kalau relationship kami terlalu dipaksakan. Bukan karena masalah uang aja, masalah komunikasi dan budaya juga jadi kendala. Kami waktu itu sama2 nggak terlalu bisa ngomong bhs jerman, dan kalau aku lagi nggak bisa ngomong dalam bahasa jerman aku selalu pake bahasa inggris, tapi ternyata bahasa inggrisnya Ai lebih parah drpd bhs jermannya. Jadi sering kali kami kesulitan kalau mau ngungkapin perasaan, karena ngungkapin perasaan sebenarnya butuh level bahasa yang lumayan tinggi.

At the end, aku ambil keputusan buat mutusin dia dengan alasan mau fokus studi dll.

It was all my fault, I rushed things to quickly, just because I felt so lonely. I feel sorry for her because of my immaturity. Karena dulu aku ngerasa kesepian, aku maksain diri buat pacaran tanpa sadar that I actually didn't love her. I like her appearance, but that's it. That's why I don't believe in love at the first sight. They only exist in dramas and fairy tales. Love is actually the cultivation of understanding each other, and it does take time.
From my past relationship I learned that I should take my time looking for my soulmate.
And 1 more lesson I got from her is, what we want isn't always what we need. Being together with the wrong person won't release you from loneliness.