Oke sekarang aku mau cerita tentang my ex. Aku jarang banget cerita tentang ex ku ini, cuman ke beberapa orang tertentu aja yang pernah aku ceritain karena bisa dibilang ini the biggest fault I've ever done.
Dulu waktu aku masih tinggal di Hamburg, aku sempet nggak naksir sama 1 orang cewek pun dalam waktu lumayan lama. (well, after that broken heart I find myself hard to really fall in love again)
Awal2 nggak ada masalah apa2, tapi lama kelamaan I feel so lonely. There's a saying " It's better to be hurt than feel nothing at all". I understand now what it means, empty heart is the house of loneliness. Gara2 ngerasa terlalu lonely, I tried to look for a gf.
I met this one girl in a supplementary german language class. (because we both suck at speaking german). She is from Kyrgyzstan (letaknya kira2 di antara China dan Kazakhstan).
Her name is Ainura Margaretha, because her name is too long, I called her with nickname "Ai", which means "love" in chinese. Her mother is chinese but her father is european (I didn't asked the specific race). Cewek ini bisa dibilang cantik banget, tubuhnya kecil mungil, rambutnya panjang hitam kecoklatan, and especially her big blue eyes. But what I like the most about her is her cute dimples on her cheeks when she smiles. Pokoknya tipeku banget deh.
Setelah kenalan, kami tukeran nomer hp. Beberapa hari kami kirim2an message, terus naik level ke telp2an, dan setelah kira2 2 minggu aku nembak dia, and she said yes.
Tapi anehnya walaupun aku diterima, I didn't feel happy....well, ngerasa seneng iya, tapi cuman gitu doang... Aku udah ngerasa ada sesuatu yang ganjal dari awal.
Minggu pertama kami pergi ngedate. Waktu itu aku masih inget, kami pergi nonton the despicable me 2. Karena aku cowok, otomatis aku yang bayarin tiket nonton, dan kalau mau tahu tiket nonton di sini harganya antara 10-15 euro per orang, atau sekitar 150-225rb rupiah, per orang... kalo dikali dua tahu sendiri kan habisnya berapa. Belom lagi setelah nonton kami juga fine dining, dan abisnya jauh lebih parah! Kita berdua makan bisa habis 70 euroan, jadi kalo dijumlah sama uang tiket kira2 abis 1,5 jt buat sekali ngedate.
Minggu kedua kami ngedate lagi, dan aku keluar uang 1,5 jt lagi. Oke, setelah 2x kali ngedate aku jadi pikir panjang. Aku ngerasa kalau relationship kami terlalu dipaksakan. Bukan karena masalah uang aja, masalah komunikasi dan budaya juga jadi kendala. Kami waktu itu sama2 nggak terlalu bisa ngomong bhs jerman, dan kalau aku lagi nggak bisa ngomong dalam bahasa jerman aku selalu pake bahasa inggris, tapi ternyata bahasa inggrisnya Ai lebih parah drpd bhs jermannya. Jadi sering kali kami kesulitan kalau mau ngungkapin perasaan, karena ngungkapin perasaan sebenarnya butuh level bahasa yang lumayan tinggi.
At the end, aku ambil keputusan buat mutusin dia dengan alasan mau fokus studi dll.
It was all my fault, I rushed things to quickly, just because I felt so lonely. I feel sorry for her because of my immaturity. Karena dulu aku ngerasa kesepian, aku maksain diri buat pacaran tanpa sadar that I actually didn't love her. I like her appearance, but that's it. That's why I don't believe in love at the first sight. They only exist in dramas and fairy tales. Love is actually the cultivation of understanding each other, and it does take time.
From my past relationship I learned that I should take my time looking for my soulmate.
And 1 more lesson I got from her is, what we want isn't always what we need. Being together with the wrong person won't release you from loneliness.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Sunday, October 25, 2015
There is no more "later"
Monday morning last week I got a news that my uncle passed away because of cancer. I feel bad because I couldn't come to his funeral, and that makes me hate my life here, I just missed too many things while I was away.
And what makes me feel awful is, I'm too damn busy with my study that I didn't have the time to be sad and to mourn for my late uncle. I have too many things to do, even sometimes I don't have the time just to eat. I had to fake smiles in front of people even though what I feel inside is only sadness.
Thursday night, after all those classes and ugly assignments, I finally could take a break. Before sleeping, I thought a lot of things about my late uncle and I did cry a little.
The first place a dead man go is the memories of the people he left. Whether it is a good memory or a bad one, depends on what he did when he was alive.
I remember when I was little, he often played with me and my little brother. He was kind and cheerful. I still remember some of his silly and naughty jokes. He taught me how to view our life from a different perspective, sometimes little things have deeper meaning than what we think. "Life is too complicated, you don't have to understand it all. Instead, you can just learn to understand things important to you and keep them in your head" he once said to me. But now he's gone and I'm going to miss him for a long time.
The last time I met him was 3 years ago, exactly before I went to Germany to study. Half a year ago my mom told me that he got cancer on his lungs because he smoked a lot. I planned to visit him when I was in Indonesia, but I always thought "Maybe later..." and in the end I didn't visit him at all last holiday. But now that he's gone, there is no more "later"...it is too late and I really regret it :(. It is the first time in my life I regret my decision the most and it makes me awfully sad and feel sorry for my uncle. I'm really a no good nephew.
I'm so sorry for not visiting you, Uncle. I love you and will always remember you. Please rest in peace .... :(
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Broken Heart is always bad?
Most people say broken heart adalah sebuah event atau kejadian yang enggak mengenakan. Broken heart emang bisa dibilang kaya semacam penyakit psikologis yang nggak ada obatnya (kecuali waktu) dan sadness because of broken heart memang respon alami dari diri kita sendiri. Sama aja kalau misal jari kita nggak sengaja tertusuk jarum, pasti respon kita akan menarik jari kita dari jarum itu secepat mungkin or else it would hurt more, and that's like broken heart too. Sadness is our reaction to the broken heart, setelah putus atau cinta ditolak memang kita harus bersedih because that's the way it is. But, is broken heart always a bad thing? Now I want to tell you a story about my most painful broken heart, the one that changed my life completely.
Pertama kali ketemu sama cewek ini, sebut aja si "Dia", waktu aku masih sd kelas 3. As a little girl si dia bisa dibilang agak tomboy dan kasar, bahkan dulu si dia nggak takut sama cowok-cowok dan sempet membully beberapa cowok. Me in the past bisa dibilang super cupu dan nggak suka diganggu apalagi dikasar-kasarin. Waktu kita SD pasti pernah punya partner tempat duduk yang ganti-ganti karena dirotasi secara berkala. Cewek tipe-tipe seperti si dia adalah partner tempat duduk yang sangat-sangat tidak ideal buat aku. Tapi takdir berkata lain, selama setahun, si dia jadi partner tempat duduk setiap hari. Karena gurunya punya kebijakan unik, partner tempat duduk selama setahun nggak dirotasi, yang dirotasi cuman letak tempat duduknya doang. I don't remember what happened back then tapi yang jelas dulu aku sering jengkel sama si dia, tapi takut soalnya si dia galak. Belum cukup sampe situ, secara amat sangat kebetulan aku juga satu tempat les sama si dia. Jadi nggak cuman di sekolah aja, setelah sekolah pun ketemu sama si dia. Dan guru-guru di tempat les sering macok-macokin aku sama si dia and of course I denied it. Setelah kelas 3 aku nggak pernah 1 kelas lagi sama si dia. Life goes on sampe akhirnya kami sekelas lagi waktu di sma, tepatnya waktu kelas 11, and that's where the story began.
Kami masih saling kenal walaupun sudah lama nggak sekelas. Si dia yang waktu kecil kasar, tomboy dan pemberani sekarang sudah kelihatan lebih lady-like. Overall first impression dari si dia bisa dibilang oke, till one day something changed my impression of her completely. One day aku berdiri di lorong sambil ngelamun. Tiba-tiba si dia datang dari belakang dan ngagetin sambil mendorong dari belakang. Aku yang waktu itu bener-bener ada di dreamland kaget setengah mati sampe jatuh ke lantai. Si dia yang ngagetin aku malah jadi ikut kaget karena reaksiku yang terlalu berlebihan. Then she laughed, smiled at me lightly and got my hand to help me up. Dari kejadian itu I knew 2 things for sure: first, sifat kasarnya si dia dari kecil ternyata masih kebawa sampe gede and second, something went wrong in my head. Entah kenapa sejak saat itu sering banget mikirin si dia, mikirin hal-hal kecil yang si dia lakuin di sekolah, or sometimes mikirin si dia waktu masih kecil dulu. And people, that's how I fell in love with her. Hanya karena sebuah event yang bisa dibilang nggak terlalu special, just because of every little thing she did, it triggered my feelings for her.
Of course sejak itu aku mulai berusahan ngedeketin si dia. I sent her messages everyday, I tried to talk to her at school and eventually kami jadi temen deket. One day, di Malang diadain sebuah lomba paduan suara se SMA nasional. Kartur yang emang terkenal akan tim paduan suaranya ngirim tim padusnya ke Malang buat ngikutin lomba tersebut. She and I were part of the choir team and of course we went to Malang together with the team. Kita semua pergi ke Malang naik bus. Unfortunately, something happened in the bus. Si dia duduk kira-kira di deretan tengah, dan di belakang si dia duduk seorang cowok, sebut aja si X ( nggak mau sebut nama). Si dia di tengah perjalanan tertidur pulas, lalu si X dari belakang mainin rambutnya si dia sambil elus-elus dahinya. Of course I was jealous and didn't like it, dan aku tahu si dia pasti nggak suka digituin juga. Untungnya nggak lama setelah itu kami berhenti di sebuah resto buat makan siang. Setelah makan siang aku cepet-cepet duduk di belakang si dia supaya si X nggak bisa duduk di belakang si dia. Si X sempet minta tukeran tempat duduk sama aku, tapi aku cari-cari alasan supaya nggak tukeran tempat duduk.
Setelah sampe di Malang, beberapa temen deket si dia cerita tentang kejadian itu and she found out that I intentionally sat behind her to keep her away from X. Setelah lomba paduan suara selesai, malamnya kami pergi ke restoran buat ngerayakin hasil lombanya, soalnya waktu itu kami menang juara ke 3. After that we went back to the hotel by bus. I was sitting alone in the back and she came to me and sat beside me. She thanked me for what I did back then and after that we talked a little bit.
"Kamu kalau udah besar mau kerja apa bet?" she asked
"Hmmm, apa aja sih yang penting bisa hidup cukupan. Nggak harus jadi bos atau kaya raya, yang penting bisa menikmati hidup."
"Ooo, kamu kok sederhana banget bet orange haha"
"Punya uang banyak belum tentu bahagia to?"
"Iya sih..."
After that kami sempet diam nggak ngomong apa-apa selama beberapa menit, there was only silence. And then those words came from her mouth.
"Kamu pasti suatu hari bisa dapet cewek yang terbaik buat kamu, yang paling penting ceweknya harus seiman yaa."
Aku dan si dia emang berbeda agama, aku kristen , dia katolik. I knew for sure what she meant, she wanted to dump me softly. Yes, I was dumped, even though she didn't say it directly.
I didn't say anything to her. I could only give her a forced smile. That night we didn't talk at all after that. Being dumped sucks.
That night I couldn't sleep. I was so sad that I want to cry in my room but I couldn't because my friends were there too. And the pain didn't stop there. Kebetulan 2 hari setelah itu aku harus pergi ke luar negri sama keluarga dan kami udah janjian buat ketemuan di Surabaya sebelum berangkat. Dan kebetulan juga si dia ada acara keluarga di Surabaya juga. Jadi keesokan harinya kami berdua pisah dari rombongan temen-temen lainnya dan naik travel berdua ke Surabaya. Of course it was awkward, being together alone after I was dumped. Di mobil kami sempet ngomong-ngomong sedikit sebelum akhirnya dia tertidur. Awalnya dia tidur senderan ke jendela, tapi karena mobilnya ngebut dan banyak belokan, she accidentally slept on my shoulder. My heart beat so fast, I knew for sure I really was in love with her...But it pains me inside...because you know, she was so close but I couldn't hold her hand, or just pat her head while she was sleeping, because I knew I wasn't the one for her...
Setelah kira-kira 2 jam akhirnya si dia terbangun. Si dia nggak sadar kalau dia tidur di pundakku and I didn't tell her.
After a while she talked to me again and asked me a question, that one question that destroyed all the hopes that were still left deep inside.
"Bet"
"Hmm?"
"Nanti kalau misal waktu kelas 12 kita nggak sekelas lagi, kamu masih mau baik sama aku nggak? Kalau ada apa-apa kamu masih mau bantuin aku nggak?"
"Pasti dong. Kalau ada apa-apa aku pasti bantuin kamu kok."
"Bener?"
"Iya...nanti kalau kita udah lulus pun juga gitu kok"
At that time I knew I had to move on, because I already said those words. Maybe it's the best for us, mungkin kami lebih baik jadi temen baik aja. Even though at first it seemed like it was fate, even though I tried really hard and tried to be hero for her, even though we were together all the time, and even though I loved her so much, in the end we could only be friends.
Kelas 12 kami nggak sekelas lagi, tapi kami masih tetep temenan baik, meskipun I still couldn't move on completely. Beberapa bulan setelah lulus, I found out that she already had a BF for a while, tapi si dia emang sengaja nggak ngasih tahu ke orang-orang. Entah karena dia nggak enak sama aku atau karena alasan lain, I was grateful for that. Because after seeing her pics with her bf and she looked so happy with him, I could move on completely after trying so long. Maybe if she still didn't have bf till now, if she wasn't happy with him, I wouldn't have been able to move on till now, I would still live in the past.
That's why there is a saying, " Love that lasts the longest is the love that is not returned"
This broken heart experience changed me a lot. I am what I am now salah satunya juga karena pengalaman-pengalaman itu. I got to know myself better because of those experiences, and I'm grateful to her.
End of story.....(sry for the long post) :)
Pertama kali ketemu sama cewek ini, sebut aja si "Dia", waktu aku masih sd kelas 3. As a little girl si dia bisa dibilang agak tomboy dan kasar, bahkan dulu si dia nggak takut sama cowok-cowok dan sempet membully beberapa cowok. Me in the past bisa dibilang super cupu dan nggak suka diganggu apalagi dikasar-kasarin. Waktu kita SD pasti pernah punya partner tempat duduk yang ganti-ganti karena dirotasi secara berkala. Cewek tipe-tipe seperti si dia adalah partner tempat duduk yang sangat-sangat tidak ideal buat aku. Tapi takdir berkata lain, selama setahun, si dia jadi partner tempat duduk setiap hari. Karena gurunya punya kebijakan unik, partner tempat duduk selama setahun nggak dirotasi, yang dirotasi cuman letak tempat duduknya doang. I don't remember what happened back then tapi yang jelas dulu aku sering jengkel sama si dia, tapi takut soalnya si dia galak. Belum cukup sampe situ, secara amat sangat kebetulan aku juga satu tempat les sama si dia. Jadi nggak cuman di sekolah aja, setelah sekolah pun ketemu sama si dia. Dan guru-guru di tempat les sering macok-macokin aku sama si dia and of course I denied it. Setelah kelas 3 aku nggak pernah 1 kelas lagi sama si dia. Life goes on sampe akhirnya kami sekelas lagi waktu di sma, tepatnya waktu kelas 11, and that's where the story began.
Kami masih saling kenal walaupun sudah lama nggak sekelas. Si dia yang waktu kecil kasar, tomboy dan pemberani sekarang sudah kelihatan lebih lady-like. Overall first impression dari si dia bisa dibilang oke, till one day something changed my impression of her completely. One day aku berdiri di lorong sambil ngelamun. Tiba-tiba si dia datang dari belakang dan ngagetin sambil mendorong dari belakang. Aku yang waktu itu bener-bener ada di dreamland kaget setengah mati sampe jatuh ke lantai. Si dia yang ngagetin aku malah jadi ikut kaget karena reaksiku yang terlalu berlebihan. Then she laughed, smiled at me lightly and got my hand to help me up. Dari kejadian itu I knew 2 things for sure: first, sifat kasarnya si dia dari kecil ternyata masih kebawa sampe gede and second, something went wrong in my head. Entah kenapa sejak saat itu sering banget mikirin si dia, mikirin hal-hal kecil yang si dia lakuin di sekolah, or sometimes mikirin si dia waktu masih kecil dulu. And people, that's how I fell in love with her. Hanya karena sebuah event yang bisa dibilang nggak terlalu special, just because of every little thing she did, it triggered my feelings for her.
Of course sejak itu aku mulai berusahan ngedeketin si dia. I sent her messages everyday, I tried to talk to her at school and eventually kami jadi temen deket. One day, di Malang diadain sebuah lomba paduan suara se SMA nasional. Kartur yang emang terkenal akan tim paduan suaranya ngirim tim padusnya ke Malang buat ngikutin lomba tersebut. She and I were part of the choir team and of course we went to Malang together with the team. Kita semua pergi ke Malang naik bus. Unfortunately, something happened in the bus. Si dia duduk kira-kira di deretan tengah, dan di belakang si dia duduk seorang cowok, sebut aja si X ( nggak mau sebut nama). Si dia di tengah perjalanan tertidur pulas, lalu si X dari belakang mainin rambutnya si dia sambil elus-elus dahinya. Of course I was jealous and didn't like it, dan aku tahu si dia pasti nggak suka digituin juga. Untungnya nggak lama setelah itu kami berhenti di sebuah resto buat makan siang. Setelah makan siang aku cepet-cepet duduk di belakang si dia supaya si X nggak bisa duduk di belakang si dia. Si X sempet minta tukeran tempat duduk sama aku, tapi aku cari-cari alasan supaya nggak tukeran tempat duduk.
Setelah sampe di Malang, beberapa temen deket si dia cerita tentang kejadian itu and she found out that I intentionally sat behind her to keep her away from X. Setelah lomba paduan suara selesai, malamnya kami pergi ke restoran buat ngerayakin hasil lombanya, soalnya waktu itu kami menang juara ke 3. After that we went back to the hotel by bus. I was sitting alone in the back and she came to me and sat beside me. She thanked me for what I did back then and after that we talked a little bit.
"Kamu kalau udah besar mau kerja apa bet?" she asked
"Hmmm, apa aja sih yang penting bisa hidup cukupan. Nggak harus jadi bos atau kaya raya, yang penting bisa menikmati hidup."
"Ooo, kamu kok sederhana banget bet orange haha"
"Punya uang banyak belum tentu bahagia to?"
"Iya sih..."
After that kami sempet diam nggak ngomong apa-apa selama beberapa menit, there was only silence. And then those words came from her mouth.
"Kamu pasti suatu hari bisa dapet cewek yang terbaik buat kamu, yang paling penting ceweknya harus seiman yaa."
Aku dan si dia emang berbeda agama, aku kristen , dia katolik. I knew for sure what she meant, she wanted to dump me softly. Yes, I was dumped, even though she didn't say it directly.
I didn't say anything to her. I could only give her a forced smile. That night we didn't talk at all after that. Being dumped sucks.
That night I couldn't sleep. I was so sad that I want to cry in my room but I couldn't because my friends were there too. And the pain didn't stop there. Kebetulan 2 hari setelah itu aku harus pergi ke luar negri sama keluarga dan kami udah janjian buat ketemuan di Surabaya sebelum berangkat. Dan kebetulan juga si dia ada acara keluarga di Surabaya juga. Jadi keesokan harinya kami berdua pisah dari rombongan temen-temen lainnya dan naik travel berdua ke Surabaya. Of course it was awkward, being together alone after I was dumped. Di mobil kami sempet ngomong-ngomong sedikit sebelum akhirnya dia tertidur. Awalnya dia tidur senderan ke jendela, tapi karena mobilnya ngebut dan banyak belokan, she accidentally slept on my shoulder. My heart beat so fast, I knew for sure I really was in love with her...But it pains me inside...because you know, she was so close but I couldn't hold her hand, or just pat her head while she was sleeping, because I knew I wasn't the one for her...
Setelah kira-kira 2 jam akhirnya si dia terbangun. Si dia nggak sadar kalau dia tidur di pundakku and I didn't tell her.
After a while she talked to me again and asked me a question, that one question that destroyed all the hopes that were still left deep inside.
"Bet"
"Hmm?"
"Nanti kalau misal waktu kelas 12 kita nggak sekelas lagi, kamu masih mau baik sama aku nggak? Kalau ada apa-apa kamu masih mau bantuin aku nggak?"
"Pasti dong. Kalau ada apa-apa aku pasti bantuin kamu kok."
"Bener?"
"Iya...nanti kalau kita udah lulus pun juga gitu kok"
At that time I knew I had to move on, because I already said those words. Maybe it's the best for us, mungkin kami lebih baik jadi temen baik aja. Even though at first it seemed like it was fate, even though I tried really hard and tried to be hero for her, even though we were together all the time, and even though I loved her so much, in the end we could only be friends.
Kelas 12 kami nggak sekelas lagi, tapi kami masih tetep temenan baik, meskipun I still couldn't move on completely. Beberapa bulan setelah lulus, I found out that she already had a BF for a while, tapi si dia emang sengaja nggak ngasih tahu ke orang-orang. Entah karena dia nggak enak sama aku atau karena alasan lain, I was grateful for that. Because after seeing her pics with her bf and she looked so happy with him, I could move on completely after trying so long. Maybe if she still didn't have bf till now, if she wasn't happy with him, I wouldn't have been able to move on till now, I would still live in the past.
That's why there is a saying, " Love that lasts the longest is the love that is not returned"
This broken heart experience changed me a lot. I am what I am now salah satunya juga karena pengalaman-pengalaman itu. I got to know myself better because of those experiences, and I'm grateful to her.
End of story.....(sry for the long post) :)
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