Broken Heart is always bad?

Most people say broken  heart adalah sebuah event atau kejadian yang enggak mengenakan. Broken heart emang bisa dibilang kaya semacam penyakit psikologis yang nggak ada obatnya (kecuali waktu) dan sadness because of broken heart memang respon alami dari diri kita sendiri. Sama aja kalau misal jari kita nggak sengaja tertusuk jarum, pasti respon kita akan menarik jari kita dari jarum itu secepat mungkin or else it would hurt more, and that's like broken heart too. Sadness is our reaction to the broken heart, setelah putus atau cinta ditolak memang kita harus bersedih because that's the way  it is. But, is broken heart always a bad thing? Now I want to tell you a story about my most painful broken heart, the one that changed my life completely.

Pertama kali ketemu sama cewek ini, sebut aja si "Dia", waktu aku masih sd kelas 3. As a little girl si dia bisa dibilang agak tomboy dan kasar, bahkan dulu si dia nggak takut sama cowok-cowok dan sempet membully beberapa cowok. Me in the past bisa dibilang super cupu dan nggak suka diganggu apalagi dikasar-kasarin. Waktu kita SD pasti pernah punya partner tempat duduk yang ganti-ganti karena dirotasi secara berkala. Cewek tipe-tipe seperti si dia adalah partner tempat duduk yang sangat-sangat tidak ideal buat aku. Tapi takdir berkata lain, selama setahun, si dia jadi partner tempat duduk setiap hari. Karena gurunya punya kebijakan unik, partner tempat duduk selama setahun nggak dirotasi, yang dirotasi cuman letak tempat duduknya doang. I don't remember what happened back then tapi yang jelas dulu aku sering jengkel sama si dia, tapi takut soalnya si dia galak. Belum cukup sampe situ, secara amat sangat kebetulan aku juga satu tempat les sama si dia. Jadi nggak cuman di sekolah aja, setelah sekolah pun ketemu sama si dia. Dan guru-guru di tempat les sering macok-macokin aku sama si dia and of course I denied it. Setelah kelas 3 aku nggak pernah 1 kelas lagi sama si dia. Life goes on sampe akhirnya kami sekelas lagi waktu di sma, tepatnya waktu kelas 11, and that's where the story began.

Kami masih saling kenal walaupun sudah lama nggak sekelas. Si dia yang waktu kecil kasar, tomboy dan pemberani sekarang sudah kelihatan lebih lady-like. Overall first impression dari si dia bisa dibilang oke, till one day something changed my impression of her completely. One day aku berdiri di lorong sambil ngelamun. Tiba-tiba si dia datang dari belakang dan ngagetin sambil mendorong dari belakang. Aku yang waktu itu bener-bener ada di dreamland kaget setengah mati sampe jatuh ke lantai. Si dia yang ngagetin aku malah jadi ikut kaget karena reaksiku yang terlalu berlebihan. Then she laughed, smiled at me lightly and got my hand to help me up. Dari kejadian itu I knew 2 things for sure: first, sifat kasarnya si dia dari kecil ternyata masih kebawa sampe gede and second, something went wrong in my head. Entah kenapa sejak saat itu sering banget mikirin si dia, mikirin hal-hal kecil yang si dia lakuin di sekolah, or sometimes mikirin si dia waktu masih kecil dulu. And people, that's how I fell in love with her. Hanya karena sebuah event yang bisa dibilang nggak terlalu special, just because of every little thing she did, it triggered my feelings for her.

Of course sejak itu aku mulai berusahan ngedeketin si dia. I sent her messages everyday, I tried to talk to her at school and eventually kami jadi temen deket. One day, di Malang diadain sebuah lomba paduan suara se SMA nasional. Kartur yang emang terkenal akan tim paduan suaranya ngirim tim padusnya ke Malang buat ngikutin lomba tersebut. She and I were part of the choir team and of course we went to Malang together with the team. Kita semua pergi ke Malang naik bus. Unfortunately, something happened in the bus. Si dia duduk kira-kira di deretan tengah, dan di belakang si dia duduk seorang cowok, sebut aja si X ( nggak mau sebut nama). Si dia di tengah perjalanan tertidur pulas, lalu si X  dari belakang mainin rambutnya si dia sambil elus-elus dahinya. Of course I was jealous and didn't like it, dan aku tahu si dia pasti nggak suka digituin juga. Untungnya nggak lama setelah itu kami berhenti di sebuah resto buat makan siang. Setelah makan siang aku cepet-cepet duduk di belakang si dia supaya si X nggak bisa duduk di belakang si dia. Si X sempet minta tukeran tempat duduk sama aku, tapi aku cari-cari alasan supaya nggak tukeran tempat duduk.
Setelah sampe di Malang, beberapa temen deket si dia cerita tentang kejadian itu and she found out that I intentionally sat behind her to keep her away from X. Setelah lomba paduan suara selesai, malamnya kami pergi ke restoran buat ngerayakin hasil lombanya, soalnya waktu itu kami menang juara ke 3. After that we went back to the hotel by bus. I was sitting alone in the back and she came to me and sat beside me. She thanked me for what I did back then and after that we talked a little bit.
"Kamu kalau udah besar mau kerja apa bet?" she asked
"Hmmm, apa aja sih yang penting bisa hidup cukupan. Nggak harus jadi bos atau kaya raya, yang penting bisa menikmati hidup."
"Ooo, kamu kok sederhana banget bet orange haha"
"Punya uang banyak belum tentu bahagia to?"
"Iya sih..."
After that kami sempet diam nggak ngomong apa-apa selama beberapa menit, there was only silence. And then those words came from her mouth.
"Kamu pasti suatu hari bisa dapet cewek yang terbaik buat kamu, yang paling penting ceweknya harus seiman yaa."
Aku dan si dia emang berbeda agama, aku kristen , dia katolik. I knew for sure what she meant, she wanted to dump me softly. Yes, I was dumped, even though she didn't say it directly.
I didn't say anything to her. I could only give her a forced smile. That night we didn't talk at all after that. Being dumped sucks.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was so sad that I want to cry in my room but I couldn't because my friends were there too. And the pain didn't stop there. Kebetulan 2 hari setelah itu aku harus pergi ke luar negri sama keluarga dan kami udah janjian buat ketemuan di Surabaya sebelum berangkat. Dan kebetulan juga si dia ada acara keluarga di Surabaya juga. Jadi keesokan harinya kami berdua pisah dari rombongan temen-temen lainnya dan naik travel berdua ke Surabaya. Of course it was awkward, being together alone after I was dumped. Di mobil kami sempet ngomong-ngomong sedikit sebelum akhirnya dia tertidur. Awalnya dia tidur senderan ke jendela, tapi karena mobilnya ngebut dan banyak belokan, she accidentally slept on my shoulder. My heart beat so fast, I knew for sure I really was in love with her...But it pains me inside...because you know, she was so close but I couldn't hold her hand, or just pat her head while she was sleeping, because I knew I wasn't the one for her...

Setelah kira-kira 2 jam akhirnya si dia terbangun. Si dia nggak sadar kalau dia tidur di pundakku and I didn't tell her.
After a while she talked to me again and asked me a question, that one question that destroyed all the hopes that were still left deep inside.
"Bet"
"Hmm?"
"Nanti kalau misal waktu kelas 12 kita nggak sekelas lagi, kamu masih mau baik sama aku nggak? Kalau ada apa-apa kamu masih mau bantuin aku nggak?"
"Pasti dong. Kalau ada apa-apa aku pasti bantuin kamu kok."
"Bener?"
"Iya...nanti kalau kita udah lulus pun juga gitu kok"
At that time I knew I had to move on, because I already said those words. Maybe it's the best for us, mungkin kami lebih baik jadi temen baik aja. Even though at first it seemed like it was fate, even though I tried really hard and tried to be hero for her, even though we were together all the time, and even though I loved her so much, in the end we could only be friends.

Kelas 12 kami nggak sekelas lagi, tapi kami masih tetep temenan baik, meskipun I still couldn't move on completely. Beberapa bulan setelah lulus, I found out that she already had a BF for a while, tapi si dia emang sengaja nggak ngasih tahu ke orang-orang. Entah karena dia nggak enak sama aku atau karena alasan lain, I was grateful for that. Because after seeing her pics with her bf and she looked so happy with him, I could move on completely after trying so long. Maybe if she still didn't have bf till now, if she wasn't happy with him, I wouldn't have been able to move on till now, I would still live in the past.
That's why there is a saying, " Love that lasts the longest is the love that is not returned"

This broken heart experience changed me a lot. I am what I am now salah satunya juga karena pengalaman-pengalaman itu. I got to know myself better because of those experiences, and I'm grateful to her.

End of story.....(sry for the long post) :)