Our Forgotten Spring

Hey there.....I know years have gone by and we haven't talked for a long time....

But I want to start off by saying thank you.... Thank you for making my senior years the best of my life!

I know that we've known each other since elementary school, but we were finally put in the same class in high school. It was weird that after elementary school we haven't talked to each other and then we met again in the same class.

It started with group projects and study sessions, but little by little I got to learn more about you. I learned that you like traditional Indonesian food, with super spicy sambal sauce. And you learned that I had a frequent sore throat, so you often forbade me eating fried foods.

You were always brave and the center of attention. I wished I were as courageous as you. 

I also learned how much going into public medical school meant to you. The day you found out you didn't get in, you were really devastated. I really wanted to comfort you.....to tell you that it's okay to fail and there's much more things worth doing in life........ I should have done that.......

But I didn't have the courage, because I knew that you know how much I care about you....That you didn't want to hurt me and that you felt sorry to me...

It's okay, it isn't your fault. Looking back the those times, my life was meaningful. I was happy that I could spend my days with you...In that limited time, you taught me that life without love is empty....and just lonely.....

Thank you for the time we spent together...Thank you for being my motivation...And thank you for making my high school meaningful, my sweet crush.... I wish I could tell you that you were my sunshine, everything that I could wish for...

I will always pray for your happiness....and I hope that you will always find a reason to smile... 

Staying Positive and Sane

So much happened in 2020. You name it... Forest fire in Australia, the killing of Iranian general, US-China escalating conflict, China-India conflict, huge flood in China, Black Lives Matter movement, Oil price war and the biggest problem of all, Covid19 that brings economy down to deep abyss.

If you watch or read news everyday, you will notice that almost all are bad news, it's as if we are being fed by negativity constantly while being quarantined at home. Its no wonder if people went crazy and depressed under this condition... mental health also becomes a serious issue for us. Honestly, its really hard to find "the good things in life" nowadays. We live under constant fear of being infected by Covid19 and the possibility of WW3 happening, and not mentioning the fear of job loss. What a time to be alive...

I've been having weird headache for quite sometime and it might be because of overthinking. My anxiety kicks in and I can't stop negative thoughts away from my brain. My head want to explode...

What keeps me sane until now is only hope.... hope that in the near future everything will be back to normal, that everything will be okay....

Einsam zu Sein

"Einsam zu sein" kalo diterjemahin ke bahasa inggris itu artinya to be lonely. Percaya ga percaya, banyak orang yang berumur 20an kaya aku yang ngerasa kesepian. Contohnya ada beberapa temen yang pernah cerita kalo mereka sering ngerasa kesepian, bukan gara-gara mereka ga punya temen, tapi karena mereka ngerasa ga ada orang yang truly understand them, mirip kaya yang sering aku sendiri rasain.

Kesepian itu ga enak. Rasanya kaya kamu kangen sesuatu, tapi kamu gatau kangen sama apa atau sama siapa. Pokoknya kangen aja kaya gitu dan ga bisa dilampiasin karena kamu ga punya objek untuk dikangenin. Ribet kan??

Yang paling parah itu waktu aku masih kerja internship di Konstanz, soalnya di sana aku ga punya temen, jadinya I was always alone almost all the time, palingan ketemu orang cuman waktu di kantor doang. Di kantor pun aku ga punya temen yang deket, jadinya kadang juga ngerasa kesepian walupun dikelilingi orang banyak. Gara-gara sering kesepian, akhirnya aku coba buat cari pelampiasan. Caranya? Minum alkohol. Aku selalu ada stok 1 botol Whiskey merk Jack Daniels atau Jim Beams di kos2an, jadi kalo kesepiannya kambuh bisa langsung minum sampe akhirnya ketiduran. Yang paling nggak enak itu kalo waktu lagi tidur tiba2 kebangun subuh-subuh. Sometimes I wake up at 3 or 4 am, looking around at my empty bedroom and then "snap" oh shit, I feel so lonely. Solusinya? Minum Whiskey sampe akhirnya ketiduran lagi. Maybe we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain, it could be alcohol, drugs, games, or anything else.

Liburan kali ini aku balik indo selama 5 minggu. I was excited because it's been almost 2 years since the last time I went to Indo. Tapi ternyata liburan kali ini nggak seperti yang aku pikirin, bisa dibilang ini liburan paling boring kalo dibandingin sama yang dulu-dulu.

Karena sekarang temen-temen udah masuk ke usia kerja, banyak temen yang susah buat diajak ketemuan, apalagi kalo ngajakin ketemuan sama banyak orang, pasti ada aja beberapa orang yang ga bisa ikut. Beberapa kali aku ajakin temen-temen buat pergi, tapi batal gara-gara sebagian besar ga bisa ikut.

Ga ada kerjaan di rumah, akhirnya aku downloadin beberapa game online yang dulu aku sering mainin waktu masih SMA. I was excited waiting till the downloads were finished, but after playing for a few hours, I got bored. The games are still the same, they are not bad, but the feelings are different. I used to play them with friends, but now I play alone, that's the difference. Aku coba ajak beberapa temen buat main bareng, mereka semua bilang mereka ga ada waktu buat main. Mungkin mereka semua sibuk dengan game mereka masing-masing, game yang judulnya "Life and Responsibility", di mana mereka harus berhadapan dengan Boss monster yang adalah atasan mereka di kantor and there's no "Retry". Once it's game over, it's over.

"Oh kaya gini ya rasanya jadi orang dewasa....", by Filbert Felix Sutanto, 2018.

Maybe it's true that being adult means being lonely.

Taking Life for Granted

A few days before new year, a female neighbor who lives in the same apartment building as me asked me a favor. She had a cold and need to go to the hospital. But because it was holiday, her flat mates and also almost everyone in the dorm went back to their family, so she had no one to take her to hospital. Because I had nothing to do anyway, I decided to take her to a nearby hospital.

Actually I'm not fond of hospital. It's not because I hate doctors or something.... it's just because the mood, the aura in a hospital always makes me feel uneasy. To be honest, I am really easily affected by the mood around me. People around me or even some strangers could make my day good or bad just by being around me. For example, one day when I was on the way to work, a young couple were fighting in the train I took. It's not something unusual, I mean, it's a normal thing and it doesn't have anything to do with me. But yeah...I couldn't help but overthink about it the whole day, and my day was successfully ruined by some strangers.
 And that's why I don't like hospitals. Many things happen in a hospital everyday. Some people might have the best day of their life, but some might have the worst day. Some people have their first day of their life, but some have their last. I just couldn't stand these mood swings I might get from hospital.

So we went to the counter and then waited in a room. While waiting I saw an old man, maybe around 70 years old, on a wheel chair going to a balcony to smoke alone. He looked so lonely and sad....
Curious, I asked my friend (she's a westerner btw).
"Why do old people in Europe mostly look so lonely? I mean, why don't they go live with their children?"
"Hmm... it's hard to answer it...Maybe because of tradition? For example I heard that if a woman keeps living with her parents, she would be single for the rest of her life."
 And just like that, the old man successfully made me feel melancholic that day.

What if one day I got old and lived alone just like that old man?
Life is short, really really short. Soon I will be 24 but I still remember my high school days just like yesterday. Time flies fast, and even faster when you are getting older.

They say life is like a story book. The days that inadvertently pass by are irreplaceable and will never come again. This particular page is called "today". This one scene connects with another, overlaps and turns into a story. One minute, and even one second, fills up the story book.
Some people have a thick story book full of journeys, with some good and bad days seasoning their chapters and turns out to be a beautiful story. But some people, who are unfortunate, have to suffer their whole life, and their story books are those which have gloomy covers and bad endings.

We sometimes take the life we have for granted, thinking that we will always have a "tomorrow", even though we know that everybody has the same chance of dying everyday.

If my life was a story book, what kind of cover would it have?
Hopefully it's not a gloomy one....or at least the ending is a good one...

Tonight, Maybe We'll See the Stars in the Rain

Okay, today I have a bad news... I just got sick. Well, considering the epic temperature change lately no wonder I got a fever coz I really can't handle drastic temperature change well. Kalo mau tahu, kemarin pagi jam 7, aku bangun tidur, cek weather apps, it said -3°C. Buuuttt... 5 hours later the apps said it was 15°C?!
My chocolate that I kept in my balcony (because it was cold the night before) melted because of the sudden heat. Dari awal aku tinggal di Jerman, aku emang paling ga tahan sama weather macam gini, makanya beberapa tahun terakhir aku selalu sakit demam batuk-batuk 2x dalam setahun, sekali waktu pergantian winter ke spring, kedua waktu pergantian dari summer ke fall.

Kemarin malem waktu mau pergi tidur, I got a feeling that I'm going to get sick, because my throat was so dry. Moreover, some people in my office were unfit, so the chance of getting sick doubled or even tripled. This afternoon, my back suddenly felt so stiff and I started coughing a little, so I decided to go back earlier. Buat yang belum tahu, kalo mau pulang dari kantor aku harus jalan kaki 30 menit ke train station, terus masih harus naik kereta 50 menit, abis gitu jalan kaki lagi 8 menit baru bisa nyampe rumah. Sial emang sial, waktu pulang kantor tiba-tiba aja hujan, dan karena hari ini weathernya lagi dingin, air hujannya jadi dingin bgt. Karena aku juga lagi gak fit, air hujannya kerasa nyengat bgt. Do you know when exactly we feel lonely the most?
1. When the weather is bad (raining for example)
2. When you are sick and no one is taking care of you
3. When you live abroad and so far away from family and friends
4. When it suddenly rains and you forgot your umbrella
Bayangin kalo semuanya itu terjadi sekaligus dalam waktu yang sama, so depressing right? To be honest, I was so sad that I wanted to cry back then. My steps felt so heavy, my breathing was hard and painful (because I'm sick of course) and my body was trembling because of cold rain water.

But fortunately for me, the rain only lasted for around 15 mins. And you know what, I looked up above and saw a sky full of stars. It was so awesomely beautiful, as if I could forget all those unfortunate things happened to me. Langitnya indah banget, mungkin karena kantorku letaknya di atas bukit dan di sana polusi cahaya emang belum parah seperti di kota-kota gede, aku bisa lihat jelas banget bintang-bitang di langit, shining beautifully over the remaining black clouds.

There is an old saying "people who die will then become a star". Maybe this came from a really long time ago, when religion wasn't spread out yet and science was not as advanced as it is now. Mereka nggak bisa menjelaskan apa yang terjadi setelah manusia meninggal, makanya mereka membuat kesimpulan sendiri bahwa manusia mati akan jadi bintang, because stars are pretty and you can see them every night (long time ago when there was still no light polution), as a way to console people who were left by their loved ones. Menurutku itu nggak masuk akal banget karena hal itu nggak bisa dijelasin pakai science and there is no prove at all, moreover because I'm christian I believe that there are heaven and hell, and I'm pretty sure people also do believe so. Nevertheless, ketika seseorang baru saja kehilangan kerabat dekat, banyak orang yang akan mecoba menghibur dia dengan bilang "It's alright, he/she will keep watching over you from above" or something like that, even though they know it's not true. They know that it's a lie, but they still believe it as a way of self consolation...to ease the pain and the unbearable sadness.

"When we die, we become stars", maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not that bad to believe in this kind of lie.
Because that way I could see my late grandma every night in the sky... You keep watching over me from above, right, grandma? I miss you so much....

Time Machine

Well so much happened dan sekarang aku lagi internship di Engen. Kalo mau tahu, Engen itu kotanya kecil banget, lebih mirip kayak desa. Bayangin aja, penduduknya total cuman ada 7000, angkutan umum hampir ga ada. Dan karena Engen itu kota kecil, aku terpaksa tinggal di Konstanz soalnya ga berhasil dapet apartemen di kota itu, well of course because I know no one there and I couldn't find a room on the internet. Dan karena itu juga akhirnya aku harus ngelaju tiap hari, total pulang pergi 100 menit di kereta+ 60 menit jalan kaki dari train station ke tempat kerja soalnya ga ada bus sama sekali.

Ok, back to the topic. Akhir-akhir ini aku lagi suka banget sama salah satu lagu lamanya Jay Chou. Judulnya Time Machine (Shi Gua Ji). Jadi tema lagunya tentang Doraemon gitu, di MV nya ceritanya si Nobita udah gede. Terus dia keinget dulu pernah ngelakuin suatu kesalahan gede. Waktu dia kecil ceritanya si Shizuka mau pindah rumah. Sebelum mau berangkat, si Shizuka nungguin Nobita tapi ga dateng2, akhirnya ditinggal. Eh, beberapa saat setelah berangkat si Nobitanya sampai di rumah Shizuka dan akhirnya Nobitanya ngejar2 mobil Shizuka tapi ga berhasil.
Gara2 keinget itu, si Nobita dewasa akhirnya pakai Time Machine buat kembalik ke masa itu lagi.
Dia jemput si Nobita kecil pake motor dan akhirnya mobil Shizuka berhasil kekejar.

Hmm kayaknya asyik banget ya kalo punya mesin waktu, it's like you could fix everything you did wrong in the past. If I had one, I would like to go back to elementary school and redo everything, there were a lot of blunders and mistakes that I still remember even until now. What would happen if they never happened?

I think jadi Nobita itu enak banget. Dia yang orangnya selalu dapet misfortune melulu, gara2 ketemu Doraemon dia jadi jauh lebih bahagia. Setiap kali Nobita ada masalah, Doraemon selalu punya alat ajaib buat benerin masalah Nobita. Alat2 ajaib Doraemon selalu bisa bikin Nobita "bahagia".

Ngomong2 tentang bahagia, setelah beberapa tahun tinggal di Jerman, I found out that orang Jerman itu orangnya simple. What makes them happy? Beer. If they are down or sad? Beer.
I have a senior in my work place. He is usually so grumpy and strict, especially to me, because I am new in the office. Last week I and my office people went to Oktoberfest in Konstanz and we drank shit ton of Beer. Even people like my senior, after gulping some Beer, could suddenly become awfully friendly. He suddenly become so lively and happy, just because of Beer, so simple. Happiness seems like so easy for them, as if everything could be fixed with some Beer, their source of happiness. I'm quite jealous to them, coz I have no such thing. Sekarang kayaknya kalau mau hepi itu susah, gara2 kerja tiap hari sekarang aku udah ga ada waktu buat ngapa2in lagi. satu2nya entertainment yang aku punya cuman masak atau nonton doang.
Why is happiness so hard to find in my case? 


Yang aku paling suka dari lagu Time Machine nya Jay Chou adalah Reffnya, soalnya liriknya ngena banget.

My childhood dream is for a time machine
That I can be continually happy without skipping a breath
Wearing a taketombo, I'd fly past the forest
Opening a dokodemo door, I'd locate you for our travels together

Well, once again, Nobita bisa jadi bahagia karena alat2 ajaib Doraemon, salah satunya yaitu Time Machine, which he could use to fix the past and even the future.
Do I also need one to be happy?? 

Every Single One Counts

"Nobody lives forever in this world", semua orang mungkin mengerti betul arti kalimat ini.

Intinya, semua orang akan mati suatu saat, mau orang itu kaya atau miskin, tua atau muda, kita semua punya waktu yang terbatas untuk hidup di dunia ini.

But the world keeps on moving, we keep on living, even though we know someday we would die.

Manusia itu rapuh, alias gampang mati. Kena cancer bisa mati, ketabrak mobil bisa mati, nggak makan mati, nggak minum mati. Bahkan buat kalian pengguna gadget samsung galaxy note 7, kalian juga bisa mati!! Kalau misal waktu kalian telepon hpnya dideketin di kepala terus batrenya meledak, BUM!! Mati kan?

 Ada berbagai macam cara kita mati, mulai dari yang keren (misal: mati di medan perang membela negara), sampe yang paling konyol (misal: mati kena serangan jantung waktu nonton Annabelle).

Walaupun kita, manusia, itu rapuh, some of us have a strong mind. Some of us dream big, as if they could live forever. In their limited time, they did great things, heroic things and in the end everyone remembers their names. Salah satu contohnya penyanyi legendaris favoritku, Freddie Mercury.

Freddie Mercury ini adalah vokalis band terkenal Queen. Queen ini dulu adalah salah satu band yang terkenal banget di tahun 80 sampe 90an. Awal tahun 90an, si Freddie diketahui terkena sakit AIDS. But even though he was so sick, he kept on doing concerts, sampai pada akhirnya dia meninggal 6 minggu setelah dia keluarin album terakhir dia. Dan hebatnya lagi, salah satu lagu di album terakhirnya ada yang judulnya "The show must go on", as if he knew his time wouldn't last that much longer. 

Dan sampai sekarang pun, seperti judul lagu tadi, his show still goes on. Lagu-lagunya didengar oleh jutaan orang tiap harinya, walaupun dia udah meninggal 25 tahun lalu. He lived his life to the fullest and finished strong.

Beberapa tahun terakhir beberapa kenalan dan familiku ada yang meninggal. 2 tahun lalu supir yang udah kerja di keluargaku selama belasan tahun meninggal dunia dan di tahun yang sama sepupuku, dan tetanggaku waktu aku masih tinggal di Hamburg juga meninggal. Di tahun selanjutnya, omku dan tetanggaku di Berlin meninggal. Tahun ini, omaku meninggal dunia.

The closer you are to someone, the harder it hits when he/she is gone. I have a lot of memories of my grandma and I love her so much. Maka dari itu aku lebih merasa kehilangan ketika omaku meninggal, dibanding ketika tetanggaku yang aku baru kenal kurang lebih 1 tahun meninggal.

Tapi ada 1 pengalaman unik yang aku dapet yang ga bakal pernah aku lupain.

Beberapa minggu lalu aku pulang dari Indo ke Jerman. Karena aku naik pesawat Emirates, otomatis aku harus transit di Dubai dahulu sebelum akhirnya bisa ke Jerman. Sewaktu penerbanganku dari Jakarta ke Dubai, aku dapet tempat duduk di ruangan ke 2 untuk kelas ekonomi tetapi di deret paling belakang. Kebetulan aku duduk di tengah-tengah, di sebelah kananku seorang bule cewek yang ternyata asalnya dari Jerman dan di sebelah kiriku seorang bapak yang udah tua yang ternyata asalnya dari Indo.

Di pertengahan jalan si bapak itu tanya ke aku, "Do you speak bahasa?"

Ternyata dia nggak sadar kalo aku dari Indo juga, dia bilang ke aku kalo dia kira aku asalnya dari Jepang soalnya mukaku mirip-mirip dikit kaya orang Jepang.

Setelah si bapak tahu kalo aku juga orang indo, kita ngobrol banyak hal sewaktu perjalanan.

Dia cerita kalo dia punya 2 anak, yang satu umur 30 tinggal di USA, yang satunya lagi umur 25 tinggal di Belanda. Si Bapak ini asalnya dari Solo, tetapi sudah tinggal di Belanda lama, bahkan sudah jadi warga negara Belanda.

Dia kerja di sebuah perusahaan yang memproduksi spare parts mobil dan dia ada rencana untuk pensiun tahun depan.

Dan banyak hal2 lain yang dia ceritakan sewaktu kami di pesawat, sampai akhirnya kami tiba di Dubai.

Sewaktu di Dubai aku anterin dia ke Gate tempat dia boarding, soalnya airport Dubai itu besar banget! Kasihan aja sih soalnya si Bapak kan udah tua dan sendirian lagi.

Sesampainya di Gate tempat dia boarding si Bapak suruh aku add facebook dia.

"Nanti kalau kamu suatu hari pergi ke Belanda hubungin saya saja. Nanti bisa saya antar jemput." kata dia ke aku.

Akhirnya setelah itu kami berpisah. 4 hari kemudian aku dapet notification dari facebook kalau friend requestku udah diterima sama si bapak.

And then you know, 2 days later, si Bapak meninggal dunia.

Di timelineku ada banyak orang yang tulis di wall facebook si bapak dengan kata2 "Sugeng Tindhak" yang artinya selamat jalan. Si Bapak yang beberapa hari lalu masih sehat tiba-tiba meninggal.

Baru kali ini aku kenalan sama 1 orang, nggak ada 1 minggu orang tersebut meninggal dunia.

Walaupun aku nggak terlalu deket dengan si Bapak, tapi aku yakin aku nggak bakal lupa dengan si Bapak ini.

We don't live forever, I know you know this. But do you truly understand what it means?

Because if you did, you'd appreciate every single person in your life.

End of story.