Einsam zu Sein

"Einsam zu sein" kalo diterjemahin ke bahasa inggris itu artinya to be lonely. Percaya ga percaya, banyak orang yang berumur 20an kaya aku yang ngerasa kesepian. Contohnya ada beberapa temen yang pernah cerita kalo mereka sering ngerasa kesepian, bukan gara-gara mereka ga punya temen, tapi karena mereka ngerasa ga ada orang yang truly understand them, mirip kaya yang sering aku sendiri rasain.

Kesepian itu ga enak. Rasanya kaya kamu kangen sesuatu, tapi kamu gatau kangen sama apa atau sama siapa. Pokoknya kangen aja kaya gitu dan ga bisa dilampiasin karena kamu ga punya objek untuk dikangenin. Ribet kan??

Yang paling parah itu waktu aku masih kerja internship di Konstanz, soalnya di sana aku ga punya temen, jadinya I was always alone almost all the time, palingan ketemu orang cuman waktu di kantor doang. Di kantor pun aku ga punya temen yang deket, jadinya kadang juga ngerasa kesepian walupun dikelilingi orang banyak. Gara-gara sering kesepian, akhirnya aku coba buat cari pelampiasan. Caranya? Minum alkohol. Aku selalu ada stok 1 botol Whiskey merk Jack Daniels atau Jim Beams di kos2an, jadi kalo kesepiannya kambuh bisa langsung minum sampe akhirnya ketiduran. Yang paling nggak enak itu kalo waktu lagi tidur tiba2 kebangun subuh-subuh. Sometimes I wake up at 3 or 4 am, looking around at my empty bedroom and then "snap" oh shit, I feel so lonely. Solusinya? Minum Whiskey sampe akhirnya ketiduran lagi. Maybe we are all addicted to something that takes away the pain, it could be alcohol, drugs, games, or anything else.

Liburan kali ini aku balik indo selama 5 minggu. I was excited because it's been almost 2 years since the last time I went to Indo. Tapi ternyata liburan kali ini nggak seperti yang aku pikirin, bisa dibilang ini liburan paling boring kalo dibandingin sama yang dulu-dulu.

Karena sekarang temen-temen udah masuk ke usia kerja, banyak temen yang susah buat diajak ketemuan, apalagi kalo ngajakin ketemuan sama banyak orang, pasti ada aja beberapa orang yang ga bisa ikut. Beberapa kali aku ajakin temen-temen buat pergi, tapi batal gara-gara sebagian besar ga bisa ikut.

Ga ada kerjaan di rumah, akhirnya aku downloadin beberapa game online yang dulu aku sering mainin waktu masih SMA. I was excited waiting till the downloads were finished, but after playing for a few hours, I got bored. The games are still the same, they are not bad, but the feelings are different. I used to play them with friends, but now I play alone, that's the difference. Aku coba ajak beberapa temen buat main bareng, mereka semua bilang mereka ga ada waktu buat main. Mungkin mereka semua sibuk dengan game mereka masing-masing, game yang judulnya "Life and Responsibility", di mana mereka harus berhadapan dengan Boss monster yang adalah atasan mereka di kantor and there's no "Retry". Once it's game over, it's over.

"Oh kaya gini ya rasanya jadi orang dewasa....", by Filbert Felix Sutanto, 2018.

Maybe it's true that being adult means being lonely.

Taking Life for Granted

A few days before new year, a female neighbor who lives in the same apartment building as me asked me a favor. She had a cold and need to go to the hospital. But because it was holiday, her flat mates and also almost everyone in the dorm went back to their family, so she had no one to take her to hospital. Because I had nothing to do anyway, I decided to take her to a nearby hospital.

Actually I'm not fond of hospital. It's not because I hate doctors or something.... it's just because the mood, the aura in a hospital always makes me feel uneasy. To be honest, I am really easily affected by the mood around me. People around me or even some strangers could make my day good or bad just by being around me. For example, one day when I was on the way to work, a young couple were fighting in the train I took. It's not something unusual, I mean, it's a normal thing and it doesn't have anything to do with me. But yeah...I couldn't help but overthink about it the whole day, and my day was successfully ruined by some strangers.
 And that's why I don't like hospitals. Many things happen in a hospital everyday. Some people might have the best day of their life, but some might have the worst day. Some people have their first day of their life, but some have their last. I just couldn't stand these mood swings I might get from hospital.

So we went to the counter and then waited in a room. While waiting I saw an old man, maybe around 70 years old, on a wheel chair going to a balcony to smoke alone. He looked so lonely and sad....
Curious, I asked my friend (she's a westerner btw).
"Why do old people in Europe mostly look so lonely? I mean, why don't they go live with their children?"
"Hmm... it's hard to answer it...Maybe because of tradition? For example I heard that if a woman keeps living with her parents, she would be single for the rest of her life."
 And just like that, the old man successfully made me feel melancholic that day.

What if one day I got old and lived alone just like that old man?
Life is short, really really short. Soon I will be 24 but I still remember my high school days just like yesterday. Time flies fast, and even faster when you are getting older.

They say life is like a story book. The days that inadvertently pass by are irreplaceable and will never come again. This particular page is called "today". This one scene connects with another, overlaps and turns into a story. One minute, and even one second, fills up the story book.
Some people have a thick story book full of journeys, with some good and bad days seasoning their chapters and turns out to be a beautiful story. But some people, who are unfortunate, have to suffer their whole life, and their story books are those which have gloomy covers and bad endings.

We sometimes take the life we have for granted, thinking that we will always have a "tomorrow", even though we know that everybody has the same chance of dying everyday.

If my life was a story book, what kind of cover would it have?
Hopefully it's not a gloomy one....or at least the ending is a good one...